


I'll wait for you, I'll always wait for you

by Lavanyaa



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Grief/Mourning, How Do I Tag, Loss, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 19:03:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17648216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lavanyaa/pseuds/Lavanyaa
Summary: He had cried and cried, and he had screamed so so loud, letting out his anger, pain, frustration, sadness he was feeling. His screams had echoed into the forest, making birds fly away from their trees, and sending away any animals that could have been nearby.He was feeling… He didn't know how he was feeling, only that it felt terrible, and unbearable.To put it simple… He was mourning.





	I'll wait for you, I'll always wait for you

**Author's Note:**

> Help I can't stop writing merlin fics

**_The saddest moment is when the person who gave you the best memories becomes a memory_ **

 

 

Empty, hopeless, angry, disappointed… Words wouldn't be enough to describe how Merlin was actually feeling right now. 

 

It had been hours, or maybe even days. Merlin didn't know. He didn't know how long it had been since he was sitting in front of the Lake of Avalon…. waiting. 

It already felt like it had been an eternity. 

 

He was sitting on the grass, his legs crossed, and staring in front of him. The lake was silent, calm, and somehow… lonely.

The sun was shining upon it, making the water glow. For anyone, it would have been a beautiful sight. But not for Merlin. No. 

How could it be? All Merlin saw was… darkness. The lake may be shining under the sun's light, but Merlin didn't see it. He didn't see how the birds flew into the Lake for their usual routine. Because he wasn't paying attention, to anything, anymore. 

He was just simply staring in front of him, his gaze lost into the abyss.

He was looking ahead of him, and sometimes his gaze would linger on the water, like he was waiting for something to pop out of it. 

 

He hadn't eaten in days, or drank anything. His body felt numb, and his heart heavy in chest, beating, but Merlin was feeling like every cell, and organs in his body stopped functioning. 

His lips were dry, and his hands cold, he had taken off his shoes, and sat on the grass, and he waited. 

 

Merlin just… waited. 

 

Tears were still falling from his eyes. When did he start crying? Or did he ever stop? Merlin didn't know… He didn't care about it anymore. 

 

“ ** _No man is worth your tears, Merlin._**

 

**_You're certainly not”_ **

 

Memories. 

 

Memories were the only thing that Merlin was holding unto, now that everything was gone. They were his only company now, reminding him of his happiness, his past, lost life, but also reminding him what he had lost, who he had lost… They were the only thing that made him keep going, but at the same time, it made it harder for him to keep hoping, that one day, everything will go back to the way it was. 

They were giving him hope, and made him feel like he was going through Hell at the same time. 

 

He didn't know what was going on around him. He stopped paying attention the second he saw Arthur disappear into the Lake. He had set fire to the boat which was carrying Arthur. And he had kept looking at it, until he hadn't been able to see it anymore. 

 

Then, he had fallen on the ground, his whole body trembling, sobs wrecking his whole being, his shoulders shaking. He cried and cried, and his screamed his pain and anger out. He had hold himself with his own arms, encircling himself with his arms, closing himself, as if it had been to protect himself. Or maybe even to close himself off, and wishing to disappear into thin air. 

He had sat on the grass, crying, feeling his heart break into a billion pieces, feeling the loss weight heavy in his heart and his soul. Praying to whatever God that existed , to take this awful heart wrenching pain away… But nothing had happened. 

The pain kept getting worse, tears kept rolling down on his cheeks, his body kept shaking, sobs continued to come out, even if he had tried to make them stop. He just wanted all of it to stop. The pain, this numb feeling, this emptiness, the feeling that he didn't belong anywhere, and to anyone anymore. He wanted the world to stop spinning, he wanted his heart to stop breaking, his soul to stop aching, and his body to stop feeling broken. 

 

He had cried and cried, and he had screamed so so loud, letting out his anger, pain, frustration, sadness he was feeling. His screams had echoed into the forest, making birds fly away from their trees, and sending away any animals that could have been nearby. 

He was feeling… He didn't know how he was feeling, only that it felt terrible, and unbearable. 

 

To put it simple… He was mourning. 

 

Even with all the people Merlin had lost, every time, every loss had taken a part of himself… Every person he had knew and who had died, had took a part himself with them, taking some part of his heart, his being, little by little, leaving him with more pain and grief. 

 

But this particular loss… This loss took everything away from him. His father's death, Will’s, Freya’s, and even Lancelot’s hadn't affected him in this way. Of course, they were his friends, his family. But Arthur… Arthur had been, and meant so much more than any of them. He had meant more than anyone ever did. Every morning and every day had been filled with his presence, with his arrogant and wise being. Merlin had been so used with his presence, with Arthur being at his side all the time. 

The first thought when he used to wake up was Arthur, and the last thing he used to think about was Arthur. 

How to protect him, how to serve him, how to keep him alive so he could fulfill his destiny… At first it had been an obligation, but only for a really really short time. An obligation had became his life purpose. With time, Merlin had started to his destiny as his will to live. Merlin had been wandering in this world, lost and feeling unfit, but when he had met Arthur… He had started to feel like he mattered. 

 

Arthur had been like the answer Merlin had been waiting for his whole life. And it was true. As a child, he had been very lonely, even with Will’s friendship, he had always felt alone in this world. And when he met Arthur, everything had came along. New friends, new family, new life. 

And now, everything was gone. How long had it been? 7 years? 8 years? How long had he spent at Arthur's side, watching him grow from an arrogant, young prat to a fierce, brave, man and a wonderful King? 

Merlin had been next to Arthur, everyday, every night, at every battle and war, and crisis, letting him know that he would be always be by his side, through every path he would cross. 

 

And he did. Merlin had been with in his shadow, at his side, protecting him as he was a part of himself. And that's exactly what Arthur had been. He had been a part of himself. And not only a part, Arthur had been his everything. He had been the reason he woke up every morning with a smile on his face, and the reason he had went to sleep with a scowl. Even if being a servant had been exhausting, he had been so much more than that to Arthur. Arthur never used words, he was terrible at it, at telling how he was feeling, to anyone. So, no, Arthur had never told Merlin how much he cared about him. He never did. But Merlin knew. Of course, it had taken him some time, but by the end, Merlin knew. 

For a long time, Merlin had thought that Arthur saw him as nothing but a clumsy, idiotic servant. But with time, Merlin had started to observe Arthur closely, his every actions, the way he reacted to Merlin, the expressions that went though his face whenever Merlin said something really stupid, or something really wise. 

 

He didn't know when Merlin had stopped being a servant and had become a friend, consultant and advisor, for Arthur. But he knew, deep down, even if sometimes he had refused to admit it, that Arthur valued his opinions and thoughts, about his King’s decisions. 

With time, they went to a servant and King, to something more that Merlin couldn't describe. 

 

**_“The two faces of the same coin”_ **

 

They had spend their whole life together. Most of their days of their life, Arthur and Merlin had been side by side. Merlin had been with Arthur when he lost his father, when he had been betrayed by Morgana, Agravaine; when he had been kidnapped and tortured, when he had been insecure about his role in the Kingdom, when he had been doubting himself, and doubting every one, Merlin had been at his side. Accompanying him during his hard days, staying by his side, supporting him, giving him a shoulder to cry on, not literally of course; but Merlin had done everything he could to give Arthur the strength and support, that had helped Arthur become the man he had. 

 

And Arthur… Arthur may not had known everything about Merlin's life, but he was there. And that had been more than enough for Merlin. Because people never stayed. Not with Merlin. Not usually. 

When he was at Ealdor, his only friend had been Will, and no one else. He had always been avoided by every one. He had always been looked at with contempt, disdain, and suspicion. 

But here, with Arthur, it had been easier. Of course, some people still looked at him like he was an idiot, but… there was something about Camelot. Something about Arthur. That made him feel whole. Arthur had given him everything. And also lots of trouble especially. But, mostly, he had given Merlin a purpose for his life. He had given him a reason to wake up every morning. He had made him grow as a person. Merlin had been a young inexperienced warlock, and thanks to Arthur, he had grown so much. But Arthur had gave him so much more than that. He had made him feel useful, important, and strong. 

 

Arthur had helped Merlin become whole. He had been so used of feeling like a lonely, wandering, person. But with Arthur, he felt like there was reason to live. Arthur had given him a home, literally. Because Merlin felt like he belonged with Arthur. Wherever Arthur went, Merlin went with him. Every time. And now… 

 

Now one part of the coin was gone, and the other one had been left alone, lost. 

 

Merlin had never felt like this. He was feeling like the life was sucked out of him. Which was an accurate description of his feelings right now. He was alive, but he didn't feel like he was. He was breathing, but with every breath he took, his will to live was slowly disappearing. With every day that passed, Merlin felt like he was going to die. But he wouldn't. He couldn't. Because he needed to be here when Arthur would come back. Because Arthur would. He would be back. Kilgarrah had said so, and the Dragon was always right. He always was. So there was no way to doubt him now. 

 

Kilgarrah wouldn't lie to him, would he? No, of course he wouldn't, why would he? He was his friend. And friends don't lie to each other. There was no reason that Kilgarrah would lie to him, and he never did in the past, so why would he do it now? 

 

No, Merlin trusted him. He trusted Kilgarrah. So if the Dragon told him that Arthur would be back, he would be back, right? All Merlin had to do now, was to wait. So he would. He could wait. 

Weeks, months, years… Merlin would wait. 

 

Merlin had never been the patient kind, true, but… Was there anything he could actually do, except waiting? 

He could go back to Camelot… Even thinking about it made his sobs come back with a more painful ache. He couldn't go back there, he just couldn't. How would he be able to face every one? How would he look all of them in the eyes, and tell them that he couldn't protect his King? That he was too late. 

How was he supposed to tell Camelot’s citizens that he wasn't able to save their King? How was he supposed to tell their knights that he couldn't save their leader? How was he supposed to tell Gwen that he couldn't save her husband? How was he supposed to look at Gaius, and tell him that he failed at his destiny? How was he supposed to tell everyone that he failed Arthur, his destiny ? 

He wouldn't be able to do it, it would be too much, he wouldn't be able to handle their faces, their screams, their cries, their tears, and pain… and their disappointment. How could he? He hadn't been able to do the only thing he was born for. 

He couldn't go back to Camelot. He never would. 

 

He wouldn't be able to face every one's side looks, as he would go through the corridors of the castle. He wouldn't be able to live there while every single corner of Camelot would be a reminder that Arthur wasn't there anymore. He wouldn't be able to handle it. He was never going to be back there. He was never going to see his friends again. Not Gaius, not Gwen, not Leon, not Percival and not Gwaine. 

Most of them must have been aware of the truth now. So there was one more reason for them, to hate him. To never want to see him again. Of course Gaius wouldn't feel that way. But the others… Especially Gwen and Gwaine. They were his closest friends, and now they knew that he had lied to them for years, and that his powers weren't enough to save their King from dying. He wouldn't blame them for hating him. He actually hated himself right now. And he was blaming himself. Of course he was. 

 

He was supposed to save Arthur, and bring him back to his people, his family and friends. And he failed? And because of what ? A stupid trap that Morgana led him into? How could he be so stupid? He was supposed to be the greatest sorcerer to ever walk the earth, the warlock who was the most powerful one of all time, the one who was supposed to help Arthur be the King he was supposed to be. But Arthur didn't even get that chance. He didn't get to be the King that all the people of the realm were waiting for, he didn't get to be the one who would bring peace to all Kingdoms, he didn't get to be the one to bring magic back into Camelot, and let magic users to be free. Of course, Arthur had been more understanding and forgiving when it came to sorcerers in the past. But… there was supposed to be more. Wasn't it? 

 

All those prophecies and legends about the Great King Arthur Pendragon and Emrys, they wouldn't have existed if it was for Arthur to have this kind of end. This couldn't be the end of all. It just couldn't be. 

Arthur still had so much things to live for, he was so young… 

 

Merlin couldn't stop the tears from falling, he didn't even try. 

He brought his legs up, and put his chin on his knees, brought his arms to envelope his legs, and took a shaky breath. 

Everything around him felt… dead. Yes, that was a perfect description of what surrounded him. 

There were no sounds of the wind, of the branches of the trees which moved in synchronization because of the wind. He couldn't hear the birds singing, nor the way the branches and leaves on the grass, cracked every time someone walked nearby, or some animals did. He couldn't hear the cries of Camelot’s knights when they were sent into the forest, by the order of the Queen Guinevere, to search for him. He didn't hear the call of his name, when Leon and Percival yelled for him, in desperate voices, only to be answered by complete silence. He didn't see them when they came to stand, right next to him, and searched for him near the Lake, he didn't let himself seen, because he didn't want to be. So they hadn't seen him, and pursued their path… He didn't know that Gaius had come along with the knights, yelling into the forest, his name, with the hope that soon Merlin would appear out of nowhere. He didn't know how Gwen still sit on her throne and wonder if she will ever meet her dear friend again. 

 

It had been days, or maybe even months, and Merlin would never know how Gaius still prepares his favorite meal everyday, hoping for him to come back. He would never aware of how many times Gwen stares from her window, everyday, hoping to catch a long silhouette with dark hair and a red neckerchief. He wasn't aware of the fact his friends, the knights of Camelot, had been through this forest a hundred times since he had disappear from Camelot, he didn't know that they would come back here every day to look for him. 

 

He would never know that Gwaine passed away… He would never be aware of the fact they all loved him, that Gwen made sure that every citizen of Camelot knew how much Merlin had done for them, for her and their leader of this Kingdom. He would never be aware of the fact that Gwen had lifted the bane on magic the next day after the battle of Camlann, and made sure that every sorcerers, witches and warlocks would be welcomed into Camelot with open arms. He would never find out how Gaius, and Gwen would recite all his exploits and his adventures with Arthur, to Geoffrey Monmouth, and how the old man would write them on paper, creating the possibility for the next following generations, to learn about Arthur and Merlin's lives. 

 

He would never be told that Gaius passed away a few years later after the battle, of old age, and heavy heart. No one told him that Percival and Leon died from fatal wounds during a battle with their last enemies . He would never know how the citizens of Camelot died by the hands of the enemies. 

No one had told him, but at this moment, he didn't know that he would feel it all. He would feel every single deaths that would happen in Camelot. He would know the exact moment when Gaius would take his last, peaceful breath. He would realize the second when Leon and Percival will take their last painful breaths, fighting for their Kingdom … And he would feel the pain of all the citizens of Camelot who will pass away. He would feel their deaths like it would be his own. Little by little, he would feel as if his life was being sucked out of him. 

 

Merlin would feel all of it, the pain, the sadness, the grief… His magic would feel it. As if it was tied to Camelot and its people. He would feel their pain, their suffering, he would feel every second when one of them would draw their last breath. 

Merlin didn't know it now, but when he would find out about it, it would make everything more painful, and it would make it more difficult for him to go through another day, of waiting. 

 

He would never know how the Kingdom failed into the hands of the enemies for one last time. He would never know how Gwen would fight against the Saxons to protect her people. He would never know that she would wish one last time so see her dear old friend. And Merlin, would feel the second she won't be a part of this world anymore. And it would destroy him. It would crush him. To realize that, he had no one left. 

In a few years or so, he would lose everything, and everyone. 

He would be left alone. But at least, his friends would be in peace. 

 

Merlin didn't know that this was what was going to happen. To be clear, Merlin wasn't thinking about the future at the moment. He wasn't thinking at all. 

 

His magic… His magic was feeling helpless. It wanted to make Merlin feel better but Merlin didn't even want to acknowledge its presence. The last time he had used his magic, after trying to save Arthur, was for to make himself invisible to everyone who would come across the Lake, and to make everything around him invisible. He didn't want to see the world, the people… And he didn't want to be seen. And to be found. He didn't care about anything anymore. 

So now, Merlin was ignoring his magic and stopped using it since the day Arthur died. His magic fought back, to be let out, free, it wanted to be used again, to fly out from Merlin's fingers, to do good. But Merlin… didn't hate his magic, he never could. But he didn't feel the use of it any more. For what reason he should use it again, if it failed at saving Arthur. His whole magic was given to him for one purpose : to make sure that Arthur lived. But it had failed at it. Merlin had failed at it. His magic had been useless against the sword of their enemy. It couldn't protect Arthur. It didn't save him. 

Merlin knew that his magic was suffering as much as he was, affected by Arthur's death. Merlin wasn't the only tied to Arthur. His magic was too. His magic lost Arthur too. It was feeling more than useless now, it felt angry. Merlin could feel that his magic wanted to lash out at everything, it wanted to slip from his control, and destroy everything. It wanted to scream its pain and its loss by ravaging everything surrounding him. But Merlin didn't let it take control of him. His magic was fighting back. It wanted to be free. It wanted to be… useful. 

When Arthur died, Merlin had felt something break inside of him. Not his heart, but his magic did something. To itself or maybe to Merlin, he didn't know. What he knew was that his magic was now as depressed, sad, terrified, and angry as much as he was. His magic wanted to react upon what it was feeling, while Merlin was just tired. He was tired of fighting. He was tired of failing, again and again. So Merlin used every strength he could, to fight his magic back. It was exhausting, to fight against a huge part of himself. But he tried his best to keep his magic under control. And he did. As much as Merlin wanted to seek comfort from his magic, he knew that all he would feel by the mere feeling of it, would be pain, and he would break down again. 

Dealing with his own pain was hard enough, he wouldn't be able to deal with how his magic was feeling. 

 

All he wanted to do now, was to wait. Because that was what he was supposed to from now on. He was supposed to wait. All this years… he was supposed to protect his King, and he did, for a while, even if he had failed at the end. But now, waiting seemed to be something he would be capable of doing. All he had to do was to wait. Sit in front of the Lake, and wait. There was nothing complicated about it, was there? Merlin could do it. It wouldn't be that hard, would it? 

 

Sniffling, and using his sleeve to wipe away his tears, Merlin bite his upper lip, and blinked his eyes to clear his vision and see past the blur that his tears created. 

The Lake was still silent, just like it had been for the past.. days or weeks. Merlin had been waiting by the Lake, since the moment he had let Arthur go, and he hadn't moved from there. He just sat there and kept staring into the Lake. Praying, every single second, to whatever God was out there, that Arthur would be back soon. Merlin wasn't naive, he knew that Arthur was indeed dead. But another part of himself was deeply clinging to the thought that all this was simply a bad dream. And that he would wake up soon, back in his bed at Camelot, to start the day again, with Arthur by his side. The rational part of him knew that this was real. That this was happening. That Arthur was dead, and Merlin was left behind alone. That Arthur was dead, and Merlin wasn't. That Arthur was gone and Merlin had to wait. 

 

Maybe this was punishment, thought Merlin. Maybe this was his punishment for failing his destiny, for failing the whole Kingdom of Camelot, for failing Arthur. And Merlin… weIl he didn't feel like he doesn't deserve it. Of course he did. He had ruined everything. 

 

And now, everyone was hurting because of his decisions and his inability to save the people he cared about the most. He hadn't been able to save anyone that he had loved : his father, Will, Freya, Lancelot. And now Arthur. 

 

Merlin knew that things would never go back to the way it was before. Only if it could, things would be easier. 

But this was reality. Arthur was gone. He lost Arthur. Forever. He had send him to a place he didn't know how to reach. To a place he knew nothing about. To a place where he couldn't follow him… and Merlin wanted nothing more than to do that. 

 

Just to see him one last time, to see his smile, his face, so he could memorize it in his mind forever. 

He never wanted for this to happen. He really thought he could have done this. 

He had protected Arthur so many times, he had saved him from so many dangerous situations, helping him see another day, while hiding in his shadows. But this time… he had been too late. 

 

He had never felt so useless and helpless in his life, when Arthur had been laying in his arms, half dead, his wound bleeding drastically, and his weight becoming heavier in Merlin's grasp. He had felt Arthur's life slip away from his body the second it happened. He had felt this weird pull inside of his heart, his soul, even in his magic, something had happened to him, when Arthur took his last breath. 

 

**_“All your magic, Merlin._ **

**_And you can't save me.”_ **

 

Arthur had been right. What was the point of having magic if it didn't help him save Arthur? Because his magic was supposed to serve Arthur, and Arthur only. Then why did he fail? Why couldn't he simply save him? After everything they had been through, together, they didn't deserve this. Merlin didn't even care about himself right now, but Arthur didn't deserve it. He deserved to live. To go back to his Kingdom and rule like a King never had before. 

Merlin was supposed to be a his side, to protect him. 

He was bloody Emrys, for God's sake, he was supposed to save him! 

 

He really wanted to. He had tried so hard. He never should have left Arthur's side. He should have stood next to him. 

Oh if only he was able to go back in time, he would do it in a second. 

He never should have left his side, even if he had lost his magic, Merlin should have been there. It he had been there, he would have done something, anything, to protect Arthur. 

He would have stood himself between Mordred’s sword and Arthur, he would have taken the fatal wound, voluntarily, if it had mean that Arthur would have lived one second more. But he couldn't do that. He couldn't go back in time to fix his mistakes. 

 

All that was left for Merlin now, was regrets, pain, heartbreak, and loneliness. 

 

**_“For when Albion’s need is greatest,_ **

**_Arthur will rise again.”_ **

 

But when was that going to be? How many more days was he going to wait again? Years? How many years? 

It already felt like it has been a century. More the time was passing, and more Merlin was feeling worse. Everything around became less and less important and all Merlin could see was the lonely, empty Lake. 

 

But Merlin would wait. He just wanted Arthur back. Once Arthur would be back, Merlin would explain everything to him, why he had lied, and hidden himself, in order to protect him. He would fix everything, all he needed was for Arthur to come back. He didn't know how he would do it, but once Arthur would be back, he would make everything okay again. He would fix all his wrongs, he just needed Arthur back. 

 

Arthur would be King again, Camelot would rise again, and his rule would start once again. 

 

So Merlin would wait, right here, sitting in front of the Lake of Avalon, as long as it would take for Arthur to come back. Hoping, deep down, that the prat wouldn't take too long. But Merlin wouldn't really mind, he could wait for years, if that's what Arthur wanted him to do. 

 

But there was one thing Merlin didn't know… It was going to take more than years for his King to return back to the land of the living. It was going to take him centuries and centuries. And Merlin would sit exactly where he was right now. All around him, Merlin would feel the world changing. He would feel Camelot failing, he would feel the source of all magic go back to where it was born, simply because human cruelty would know no boundaries. War machines would fly over his head, bombing civilians, in the name of race, religion. He would know how slavery would destroy people. He would feel all around him changing. But he wouldn't help. He would know when every sorcerers would burn on the pyre, he would feel the magic hurting, retreating back to the crystal cave, away from humans, away from their anger, hate, and rage. 

 

Merlin would feel the magic disappear from this world. And after waiting centuries after centuries, Merlin would feel his own magic leaving him. It would hurt like nothing ever did before, but he wouldn't stop it. He wouldn't hold it back. He would let it free, he would let his magic go away. 

 

There would come a day, when the Lake would shine in an unusual way, the ground would tremble under him, the trees around him would shake, and he wound be blinded by a light so bright… 

 

And that day, Merlin would smile again, for the first time after centuries, tears falling from his eyes. And he would be smiling so wide his face would start hurting, but he wouldn't care. 

 

Because, facing him, would be Arthur, the Once and Future King, raising from the Lake of Avalon, coming back from the death, to rule the Earth again, and to put humans on the right path. 

 

And that day, Merlin would finally feel whole again. 

 

**_“The story we have been a part of,_ **

**_will live long in the minds of men”_ **

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


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